These are the words that have been knocking around in my head like tumbleweeds on a windy day. I've been in a "funk" lately, to use a phrase frequently uttered by my bookclub friends. We seem to spend a lot of our time figuring out the complexities of "funk-ness." What causes it? What fixes it?
Sometimes, the answers to both questions are the same. The weather - dreariness can cause a funk while a sunny day can fix it. Family duties- the drudgery of daily tasks can cause a funk while caring for and supporting those we love can fix it. Career decisions - feeling "stuck" in your current role can cause a funk while doing what's necessary for the betterment of yourself and your family can fix it.
In my ponderings, I consulted Merriam-Webster. Here's what (s)he had to say:
Main Entry: 1funk
Pronunciation: 'f&[ng]k
Etymology: probably ultimately from French dialect (Picard) funquer
1. to give off smoke or a strong offensive smell.
Well - that's not quite the "funk" I was thinking of. This one's better:
Main Entry: 3 funk
Etymology: perhaps from obsolete Dutch dialect (Flanders) fonck
1 a : a state of paralyzing fear b : a depressed state of mind
2 : one that funks : COWARD
3 : SLUMP 1
While I've not been paralyzed with fear, and I don't really think that a "depressed" state of mind quite fits... and I really don't like to think of myself as a coward - although maybe that one will take some more thought... perhaps "slump" is a more fitting description for what I feel on occasion. That would accurately indicate the highs and lows, the ups and downs, the rollercoaster of emotions that comes from being a mother and a wife, of a coworker and a friend and all that these roles entail and the ways they intertwine.
Back to the "Do. Something." part of the post. So I've made a conscious decision to not sit around in my funkiness any longer. And I document it here today to hold myself accountable for it. I get so sick of myself sometimes that I can hardly stand it. Perhaps Webster's first definition is accurate and I am giving off an offensive smell - and the only way I'm going to change it is to shower it away, shake it off, change directions so the funk is downwind. And the most effective way of changing anything is to first change my attitude. I try, but I too easily allow myself to fail. So I'm going to try harder. To be a mother and wife my family will be proud of, a coworker and friend that others will be happy to have touch their lives, to be a positive person that I will want to be around. Choices, choices - it's all about choices. And I have to do a better job of remembering that.
My friend Michelle recently posted about how she is not an open book and that there are many things in her life and in her family's life that she doesn't write about - and I feel the same way about myself. Looking back on my entries, it all seems somewhat superficial. I give you a quick peek, a summary of our days and updates on my kids with some recent pictures - and that's about it. And a lot of the time, that is enough for me. But sometimes, there is more going on, and pouring it out here is exactly what I need.
So there. With that said, I wash my hands of this current slump. Onward and upward.
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