I'm not going to lie. These past 8 weeks have been hard. Really hard. The second time around the childbirth track, I was thrown into a tailspin by how inadequate I felt. My emotions were all over the place and I found myself beating myself up over, well, everything. There is a societal expectation that once one gives birth, there is this euphoria, this glowing light that is "Motherhood." And I gotta tell ya, I was having trouble finding the light.
I think I mentioned before that I started to worry that perhaps I was dealing with a bout of postpartum depression. But after talking with my doc, we decided that I wasn't. And after an even more helpful appointment with my bookclub friends, accompanied by a couple of tasty margaritas, I realized that what I was dealing with was a case of unrealistic expectations. I expected newborn Eve to be like newborn Josie. She isn't, and shouldn't be. I expected to breastfeed this time. After all, I wanted it to work so badly. It didn't, and that's okay. I expected to have twice the motherly love now that I have two children. I guess that's not quite how it works.
It's funny how much difference a little perspective, and sleep, can make on a dreary outlook. And Eve turned a corner over the weekend. Even though she's far from sleeping through the night, she showed her exhausted parents that there is the possibility that she will sleep through the night someday, and that's good enough for me, for right now.
I had a "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" moment on Saturday. Eve had finished eating and I turned her so that she lay on my lap with her head by my knees, propped up, looking at me. She contemplated me with her big, blue eyes for a few minutes and I felt like she was trying to tell me something. Then, she gave me a genuine, ear-to-ear smile (no, it wasn't gas,) and I felt my heart grow three sizes that day. Of course, I've loved her since she was born, but in a primal "I have to take care of you because you're my offspring" kind of way. But that has changed. Now I can say that I have found "Motherhood" again. It's messy, and smelly, far from perfect and a heck of a lot of work, but it finally feels right.
Eve, if you ever read this, please know that none of this really had anything to do with you. It was me. You are exactly as you should be. And I am, too. It just took me a while to figure that out and forgive myself for it. I'm doing the best I can, and I always will.
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2 comments:
Oh,my Dear, Dear daughter! I am so glad you feel "o.k." again--I have had the feeling you weren't quite in the right place yet with Miss Eve. I'm so glad you have found the Carol we all know and love~~~~~~~~~~Mom
Hi Carol, Wow, what an entry! That was a tear-jerker for me. All those feelings I felt after giving birth, and probably the feelings of a great percentage of women after giving birth, all summed up in one nice little paragraph. Some very familiar stuff. I'm so glad you're working through your feelings and realizing that you're doing the best you can. We as mothers sure tend to place some unreal expectations on ourselves. I know that you're a terrific mom and that you are doing an amazing job with your girls. Being a parent is a tough job, so cut yourself some slack, have a couple margaritas when you need to, and try not to sweat the small stuff. Love Julie
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